You tried to use Captain Beefheart as make-out music.

Vinyl just didn’t seem cool enough anymore. You upgraded to phonograph cylinders.

You once mistook a washing machine running in an adjacent room for a My Bloody Valentine b-side.

Then a refrigerator compressor clicked on and you thought it might be Nine Inch Nails.

When you were a kid, your favorite Christmas present wasn’t a Nintendo, it was a subscription to The Wire.

The air freshener in your car is “New CD Scent”

You have an alcove at home where you burn incense in front of a framed copy of The Greatest Album Ever.

You get a kick out of trying to listen to sine waves below 20 Hz and above 20,000 Hz.

Once, you heard a song no one else had ever heard, from a band no one had ever heard and you couldn’t wait to tell everyone you’d just discovered the greatest song ever and then you woke up.

You’ve made a mixtape for your funeral (though you’re neither morbid nor practical enough to write up a will).

Sometimes you use “appetizer” music to cleanse your aural palate before listening to “very important albums”.

Don’t forget the “chaser” music.

You’ve listened to Eno’s ‘Music for Airports.’ In an airport.

You and Fred made an a capella of ‘Fitter Happier’.

In high school, you made three of your friends bring boomboxes to your house for the purpose of listening to Zaireeka (true story!)

You have a nagging suspicion that really catchy pop music is a clandestine branch of tongue-in-cheek avant-guard…But you can’t tell anyone, because A. if you’re wrong you’d look like a fool, and B. you fear reprises from the pop conspirators.

And, of course, you wrote a list of things caricaturing music elitism.

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